Many years ago, when I was about 15, I took up the faith of Christianity. Things were fine in my safe bubble of high school.
Then came college. College was hard. It was harder when I was fighting depression without knowing it. I went from a support structure that believed only you knew where you stood with God and they were there to help you get to the next step of it, to being surrounded by people who suddenly knew what God was thinking about me. Not all of them were like this. A few, very close friends, who I mistreated through my depression, expressed concern that I was disconnecting with God but they never told me that God had told them that I needed to do more of anything. I was disconnecting. It was hard and I wasn't very deep in my faith. When the depression hit the hardest, I decided to hate myself and everything about me, including God.
Years past and I found myself longing for God but too afraid. I felt I had done too much wrong to go back to that path.
This coming August will make two years since I really prayed again. Since then, I have found a church and found my path but bigger thing have happened. The more time I have spent in prayer and allowing Christ to be the lead in my life, the more my life has changed.
Things I use to like, movies, music, I no longer do. I don't find them funny anymore but rather tasteless. In someways, it is disappointing because I have good memories associated with these things but in other ways, it feels so good to shed that skin and find the changes in me.
One of the biggest changes is that I've decided to not go to CONvergence again. My first year was....interesting. It wasn't healthy but then at that point, neither was I. The person I was then would still have done the same things over. The person I am today...well she understands why this younger me did those things but she disagrees with the "logic" behind them because it was emotionally driven. Some things were good like removing myself before having a complete emotional meltdown in public. That was probably the only good decision that weekend. I went back the next year and it was different. I spent more time taking care of my friends' dogs than at CON and there was no drinking. I missed the next two years to spend with my family after recent losses. I went back in 2011 and volunteered and had a great, sleep deprived time. I didn't go last year because of family commitments.
This year I was already debating about not going. I really didn't feel the desire to go. Between going to other conventions (Chicago TARDIS and USITT) and the fact that the theme and guests don't really appeal to me (okay, this year's theme does appeal but it doesn't seem to go with the guests and I suppose after Chicago TARDIS, having a British theme without a whole bunch of Brits (or Tony Lee) is a bit of a let down), it didn't seem worth going. I then discovered that my favorite band of All Time was playing in the area that weekend and I know someone who works at the space.
On a whim, I decided to check out the programming to see if maybe I would go on Friday before heading out to see my band. Nothing really stood out until I got to the evening sessions.
I understand that there is kink in the sci-fi community. It makes sense that eventually there would be something about it. Then I came across a panel on animal penises. The original wording has changed but when I looked at it back then it said "they are freaky and weird, let's laugh at them" or something similar. Immediately I felt a sense of distaste. Why would I want to be associated with a science fiction and fantasy convention that has a panel on animal penises?? Yes, my first D&D group did have an argument over the penis of a duck (it was actually related to the game play; as a note, there are some people you just don't argue with as they will find you the information to prove that you don't know what you're talking about; no, I wasn't the one arguing about the duck penis either). Yes, I stage managed a keynote speaker who has had a TV show made about animal sex. But all of those had appropriate settings and it was relevant to what was happening around it. This panel just seems crass and unneeded.
All of that plus the increased party atmosphere have led me to decide I can no longer afford to attend this event. I imagine there will be some ill-will from others but I've learned a lot about boundaries in the last couple of years. Going will cross a boundary with myself to protect myself from negative influences. I don't need to be around all of the drinking. I have depression. Alcohol is an easy answer to feel better for a moment but it only makes the depression worse. In my experience, most people don't respect being told "no thanks, I don't drink" and will continue to pressure until you cave. I don't believe I would be in this place if I hadn't started to seek out God and let Him become an active part of my life. I have friends who write daily blogs with reflections and prayers. I'm starting this blog to have not only a place to help me to grow but to also make a public statement about my reasons for withdrawing from CONvergence.
In looking for words to help me, I turned to the Bible. There's this great website that also has a Bible app, which I use to look at different translations. I ended up coming across this article which helped me to feel solid in my decision. To those who are my friends who will read this, I'm not looking down or judging you no matter how this may come across. This is about myself and how I wanted to be associated and what influences I want to open myself up to. If I'm going to go to a science fiction and fantasy convention, that's what I want it to be about. If I want to talk about odd animal penises, I'll just call my sister who is a vet.
33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”[d] 34 Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame. 1 Corinthians 15:33-24
I can no longer go to what I feel is an inappropriate event. I know that there is more to it than a handful of panels but I cannot content myself with simply saying that I'll just not go to those panels. I need to remove all of it so that it doesn't become one more temptation I can't handle.
