4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
I'm certain nearly everyone, no matter what their faith, has seen some of the above verses. I know I've seen it printed on wedding programs of at least two weddings I've been to, if not more. When I was in college, one of my long-suffering room mates showed me these verses to help me realize that not every flutter of the heart is love. I didn't listen very well but today I know that she truly loved me as a friend for she put up with so much from me. I'm not writing about that sort of love though.
Last week, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. It's been a bumpy road, which is apparently true of most first years of marriage, unless you live in a different time zone for most of your first year married. There have been a few doubters of this marriage, but thankfully there have been more supporters of it.
I've learned a lot about love over the last year.
Before I was married, I had some friends try to intervene and tell me that getting married was going to be a bad thing though I'd do it anyway, just to prove myself right. I still feel the hurt at one friend writing that I had been in a two year relationship with someone I supposedly loved and then fell in love with someone else and then had a short relationship with someone else I loved before meeting my husband. It stung because she was using it as an example of a downward spiral in my life and how I was headed towards disaster. It also stung because of why I had loved each one of those men was a bit selfish.
Here's the thing this friend didn't understand. My love was true to these past relationships but it was an earthly and self-centered love instead of a godly and self-sacrificing love. I loved them because it made me feel good and it helped me to try to fill up the emptiness I had inside from keeping my distance from God. Could I articulate this at the time? Nope. That would have been easy. I had to figure it out first. All I could say at the time was that I did love them. It's not easy to listen to anyone talk about how they love all of these people though so I understand the doubt.
Years ago, I annoyed the guy I was dating at the time because of my stance on marriage. I thought it was ridiculous to marry because you were in love. There were plenty of other reasons that were much sounder than love as love, especially the early, exciting kind of love, changes. Having love is more of a bonus than a requirement. This conversation would usually happen after I had read some book on the history of marriage or of the wife. He would then tell me that he wasn't going to talk to me about it until I stopped reading books that gave me weird ideas. Looking back it was hilarious but at the time I was furious.
When I was getting ready to get married a year ago, I thought of all of the logical reasons to get married to my husband:
- We'd have a dual-income and he works a well paying job where he is in high demand.
- He owns a house, which is much more reliable than renting. Plus, there'd be a garden and someone to help with the unending list of house responsibilities.
- He has kids, so instant family! No pregnancy or birth for me involved!
- Less food being wasted. I pretty much stopped grocery shopping for a while because cooking for one is depressing and trying to buy for one is frustrating.
- Improved credit score. I didn't realize that this would happen at the time but it's definitely been a cool perk.
In the past relationships, the love was conditional. There was always a reason to love the other person because they did something or gave me something. I know that sounds wrong but if I truly look closely at those relationships, that's what it came down to with each one. I wasn't willing to sacrifice anything for these relationships. I was with one guy 3 different times, the last time lasting almost 2 years and it never worked out. One of the big reasons was because of where he lives, which is not somewhere that I want to move. He didn't want to move to where I am without a job, which is very sound and I approve of that. But you have to wonder how much I really love someone if I'm not willing to change my life for them.
For my husband, I've changed a lot of things in my life. He has asked for none of the changes. The changes have come about as I've grown from him challenging me to grow. I swear less. I eat better. I'm more active. I gave up my cats because I didn't have time for them. I moved to the other side of the cities even if the side I was on was much cooler. I don't expect him to do anything in return for me love. That's mostly true. I'm still human and I still want and expect him to do things but in the pure essence of my love, I do things for him because I love him. It is hard but it gets easier.
One of my good friends has listened to me over the last months as I've started to grow in my marriage. One of the things she has said has become a mantra for me. "God didn't give us marriage to make us happy. He gave us marriage to make us holy." Someone else I know has mentioned that God draws us to someone who is our opposite so that we can learn and grow from being with them. I think both of these things are very true.
I've started to love and appreciate looking at different translations of Bible verses. The copy of the above verses are from the English Standard version. Here's verse four from the New King James' version:
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
1 Corinthians 13:4
I prefer "Love suffers long" over "Love is patient". Patience gives me the image of someone waiting quietly for someone or something to happen. From my personal experience, that is not what happens in marriage. The other person doesn't just sit back and wait for you to grow. No, it's more like love causes strife while hoping that the other person gets a clue without you having to use force on them. You continue to love regardless of what the other person is doing.
I know that this can be dangerous territory and easily be misused in abusive situations. If there is abuse, physical, mental or emotional, get out. As someone who grew up in that environment, that isn't love and continuing to be in a situation like that isn't loving them until they change. You can't change someone who is abusive. God is the only one with the power to change someone. I mean this more in the sense that you continue to love someone even when they put the toilet paper roll on backwards or interrupt your work day with random, useless trivia. Those are things that can be worked on.
Pray for June 1, 2013
Lord, thank You for my marriage. Please let me be a strong and loving wife. Protect our marriage from those who would try to tear it down. Let our marriage shine Your light and show Your love. Help me to remember what you intend marriage to be and how you expect us to love, by serving. Amen.
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