This year I found that I was struggling with Christmas. The "spirit"
just wasn't there. I didn't want to decorate or give gifts or anything
along those lines. Growing up, Christmas was always about the tree and
gifts and being told to stop singing all those silly songs (when you
have a mom who works at a Christmas themed market, I can now see why it
would be a bit much to continue hearing Christmas carols after suffering
through them for 4 days would be a bit much) and I remember once
wondering why people sang songs about Bethlehem and Jesus as we didn't
celebrate that part. I also dimly recall wondering if we were allowed to
celebrate Christmas if we didn't believe in Christ. This year it seemed
as though I was trying to reconcile the secular holiday with my faith
and it just wasn't working.
Eventually I got involved
in conversations about secular christmas (which I call "little 'c'
christmas" which annoys the spell checker) which is all about the gift
giving. I also caught a segment on one of the Christian based radio
stations about how when Martin Luther declared that Saints were idols
and their feasts shouldn't be celebrated any more, people decided to
hang up stockings so "baby Jesus will fill them with presents" for their
kids (I haven't tried to dig up the information about this but I do
remember hearing it) because that was one feast day everyone seemed to
enjoy. I also read this article written by an alum from my college.
I
started to realize that there really are two celebrations in this
country. There is the Christian celebration recognizing the birth of
Jesus and the far more secular one celebrated by lots of people that
involve gift giving and often involve a man in a red suit. It really hit
me when I was listening to the radio while driving to church to serve
for the Christmas services and I heard this program.
The first part is really interesting about the Christmas truce of 1914.
It then gets into gift giving and then further into raising kids around
the culture of Christmas when you aren't Christian. That's what really
got my attention. And it turns out a lot of people of other faiths (or
non-faiths) celebrate secular christmas.
At some point
during all of this, I realized that I was doing the same. I was
celebrating my faith by serving at 6 Christmas services. If I hadn't
served, I still would have gone to at least the 11pm service, which was
scripture readings and carols. We as a family also celebrated christmas
on the 25th with opening gifts and time spent together. We don't do
Santa which is primarily about the kids knowing who is giving them their
gifts. One friend doesn't do Santa for her kids because she doesn't
want them to question their faith in Jesus when they get older and
realize that Santa isn't real.
I know that a lot of the
"traditions" around Christmas aren't Christian in their origin. I'm
aware that December 25th isn't really the day Jesus was born but it's
the day that was chosen long ago to celebrate His birth. I do like that
we celebrate in the middle of winter as it is a reminder of our Hope
that God has given us.
I feel much less conflicted now
than I did before the holidays. Both have a place in my life though
celebrating the birth of Jesus will always be more important to me than
exchanging gifts and decorating the house. Those are great moments to
share but they aren't my hope or salvation.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Discernment
According to the Google search I just did, discernment is
I'm sure I'm not alone in not really knowing how to really discern. I've started listening to a radio show run by Naomi's Table. It's helping me to hear scripture every day. It's step one of getting myself into the Word every day and it's not always easy. It's much easier to just listen to whatever is on the radio but I don't feel the same fullness in my spirit as I do when I listen to podcasts of these episodes. (I also have been downloading sermons and listening to those as well.)
Last week, one of the episodes was about discernment. This seems to have been a big thing for me lately as it isn't the first thing that I've listened to that has talked about discernment.
One verse that keeps coming back to me is Romans 12:2 (Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect, ESV).
There's that pesky word discern again. But I think it's actually a good word. It is very easy for me to follow what others tell me. This verse is telling me to test things against God's Word instead of emptying my mind and letting the world fill it with things.
Listening to this particular episode, I caught mention of yoga and that had me thinking about whether Christians should practice it as the women in the show were suggesting that we shouldn't because yoga teaches to empty your mind and many of the poses are worship to Hindu gods. This caught my mind because I do yoga. And when I say "do" what I really mean is that when I find a break in my schedule, I go to one or maybe two classes over a couple of weeks and stretch out all of the knots that I've accumulated from life.
I'm not overly dedicated to it and I find it ridiculous that the instructors end the session by saying "nameste" because most people in the room don't know what it means. I don't actually say it. Each session starts with instruction to empty your mind, which I don't do. I let go of the things that are stressing me out but I don't empty my mind. I know enough to realize that leaving my mind empty means anything could get into it. Instead, I focus on God.
Having heard on this podcast that Christians shouldn't do yoga, I did the thing any semi-decent blogger would do; I went to the internet. I googled about it and sent messages to my friend who introduced me (and she teaches) to Naomi's Table. I've seen arguments on both sides. And then, as I was listening to the Bible study on the same podcast (I think it was the same one), I heard my friend's voice mention that we shouldn't expect our pastors to chew up the word and regurgitate the Word for us and that we shouldn't always be eating the spiritual equivalent of baby food (the pastor at my church has said the same thing; during sermons he'll only show short verses so that people get use to holding and reading the Bible). We are expected to dig into the Bible ourselves and discern God's will.
So there I was, looking for the baby food option to my question. I wanted someone else to do the hard work for me. Then it hit me during the Bible study that I've probably graduated from having everything spoon fed to me. I've still young in my faith but I should be looking into things myself instead of waiting for others to tell me what God wants for me. I'm pretty sure that letting others tell me will just led me down wrong paths. I still don't know the Bible as well as I should. My small group did a Bible study through the entire thing but I missed most of it. I still have the book that our pastor wrote (I believe it was a team effort actually) to help get through it and I'm pretty sure I know what I'll be doing with my new year.
- the ability to judge well. ("an astonishing lack of discernment")
- (in Christian contexts) perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding. ("without providing for a time of healing and discernment, there will be no hope of living through this present moment without a shattering of our common life")
I'm sure I'm not alone in not really knowing how to really discern. I've started listening to a radio show run by Naomi's Table. It's helping me to hear scripture every day. It's step one of getting myself into the Word every day and it's not always easy. It's much easier to just listen to whatever is on the radio but I don't feel the same fullness in my spirit as I do when I listen to podcasts of these episodes. (I also have been downloading sermons and listening to those as well.)
Last week, one of the episodes was about discernment. This seems to have been a big thing for me lately as it isn't the first thing that I've listened to that has talked about discernment.
One verse that keeps coming back to me is Romans 12:2 (Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect, ESV).
There's that pesky word discern again. But I think it's actually a good word. It is very easy for me to follow what others tell me. This verse is telling me to test things against God's Word instead of emptying my mind and letting the world fill it with things.
Listening to this particular episode, I caught mention of yoga and that had me thinking about whether Christians should practice it as the women in the show were suggesting that we shouldn't because yoga teaches to empty your mind and many of the poses are worship to Hindu gods. This caught my mind because I do yoga. And when I say "do" what I really mean is that when I find a break in my schedule, I go to one or maybe two classes over a couple of weeks and stretch out all of the knots that I've accumulated from life.
I'm not overly dedicated to it and I find it ridiculous that the instructors end the session by saying "nameste" because most people in the room don't know what it means. I don't actually say it. Each session starts with instruction to empty your mind, which I don't do. I let go of the things that are stressing me out but I don't empty my mind. I know enough to realize that leaving my mind empty means anything could get into it. Instead, I focus on God.
Having heard on this podcast that Christians shouldn't do yoga, I did the thing any semi-decent blogger would do; I went to the internet. I googled about it and sent messages to my friend who introduced me (and she teaches) to Naomi's Table. I've seen arguments on both sides. And then, as I was listening to the Bible study on the same podcast (I think it was the same one), I heard my friend's voice mention that we shouldn't expect our pastors to chew up the word and regurgitate the Word for us and that we shouldn't always be eating the spiritual equivalent of baby food (the pastor at my church has said the same thing; during sermons he'll only show short verses so that people get use to holding and reading the Bible). We are expected to dig into the Bible ourselves and discern God's will.
So there I was, looking for the baby food option to my question. I wanted someone else to do the hard work for me. Then it hit me during the Bible study that I've probably graduated from having everything spoon fed to me. I've still young in my faith but I should be looking into things myself instead of waiting for others to tell me what God wants for me. I'm pretty sure that letting others tell me will just led me down wrong paths. I still don't know the Bible as well as I should. My small group did a Bible study through the entire thing but I missed most of it. I still have the book that our pastor wrote (I believe it was a team effort actually) to help get through it and I'm pretty sure I know what I'll be doing with my new year.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
6 years later and miles from where I was
July 11, 2008 was a Friday. This year, it was also a Friday. It also marked 6 years since I got a phone call that Gramps had passed away. This was also the start of my path back to my faith.
Being faced with death is hard, harder when it's someone close to you. It's very final. I believe for Gramps that it was even more final because he didn't believe in Christ. This was something that bothered me in high school, when I first came to faith, but I didn't know how to express it. I remember that week that I was out for the celebration of life, that I commented how even when I had gone overboard to the point of being annoying with my faith, Gramps didn't give me a hard time about it. Mom told me that he had said to her that I was searching for something and that I had at least found a positive outlet. Years later, I would learn that depression and eating wheat played a lot into my behaviours growing up.
A week before I felt guilty for being at a science fiction convention and not calling to wish Gramps a happy 4th. When I got out of a sing-along, I saw that I had missed a phone call from Mom. My first reaction was "Gramps is dead." I was wrong. She had called to wish me a happy 4th of July. It had always been Gramps' favourite holiday. When I got a phone call from my sister early in the morning, a week later, there was a pit in my stomach. I knew before I answered it, I knew what the news would be. I had even thought about calling Gramps the night before but decided to not do so.
I've had to struggle knowing that I had put off calling Gramps for one reason or another. There's been guilt for not calling him as often as I wanted to as well as for being generally very difficult. Gramps took over as a father figure in my life when I was very young. My father was still around until I was in middle school, but he was worthless. As I struggled with those issues, I also started to struggle with a bigger one. My fate.
Years earlier, I had wondered if you could start in faith with Christ and then go into a different direction, if you would still be saved. This was obviously me trying to justify my own actions and feelings at the time. I wanted to not die and be lost forever, but I was struggling with Christians. At the time, I didn't realize that I would have to change a lot in my journey of faith. My understanding back then was that you accepted Christ and just tried to not do bad things but that you were going to, which was okay because God still loved you. This is now, in my mind, the viewpoint of a 5 year old.
Now I know better, but 6 years ago I was confronted with a reality. What would happen if I continued on the path I was on? I started to miss my faith. I missed church and the music and I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of how I had treated my Mom and Gramps as well as friends in high school and college. I regretted so many missteps along my path. I missed the comfort that I remembered from church. There was a hurtle though.
I didn't think I could go back. I thought God would want nothing to do with me because of the mess I'd made of my life. I spent a lot of time over nearly 3 years thinking about it. Eventually, I would end up designing for a show in which I would watch, over and over, God and Human reconcile (the Human wanted to divorce God) with the Human asking God to stay because it was so scary out there without Him and God comforting her saying that he wasn't going anywhere.
A few months later, I would meet my husband and he would challenge me to pray for the first time in nearly a decade. Three years later, I barely recognize my life and not just from the outside. Inside, I feel like a different person.
Iron sharpens iron,
Being faced with death is hard, harder when it's someone close to you. It's very final. I believe for Gramps that it was even more final because he didn't believe in Christ. This was something that bothered me in high school, when I first came to faith, but I didn't know how to express it. I remember that week that I was out for the celebration of life, that I commented how even when I had gone overboard to the point of being annoying with my faith, Gramps didn't give me a hard time about it. Mom told me that he had said to her that I was searching for something and that I had at least found a positive outlet. Years later, I would learn that depression and eating wheat played a lot into my behaviours growing up.
A week before I felt guilty for being at a science fiction convention and not calling to wish Gramps a happy 4th. When I got out of a sing-along, I saw that I had missed a phone call from Mom. My first reaction was "Gramps is dead." I was wrong. She had called to wish me a happy 4th of July. It had always been Gramps' favourite holiday. When I got a phone call from my sister early in the morning, a week later, there was a pit in my stomach. I knew before I answered it, I knew what the news would be. I had even thought about calling Gramps the night before but decided to not do so.
I've had to struggle knowing that I had put off calling Gramps for one reason or another. There's been guilt for not calling him as often as I wanted to as well as for being generally very difficult. Gramps took over as a father figure in my life when I was very young. My father was still around until I was in middle school, but he was worthless. As I struggled with those issues, I also started to struggle with a bigger one. My fate.
Years earlier, I had wondered if you could start in faith with Christ and then go into a different direction, if you would still be saved. This was obviously me trying to justify my own actions and feelings at the time. I wanted to not die and be lost forever, but I was struggling with Christians. At the time, I didn't realize that I would have to change a lot in my journey of faith. My understanding back then was that you accepted Christ and just tried to not do bad things but that you were going to, which was okay because God still loved you. This is now, in my mind, the viewpoint of a 5 year old.
Now I know better, but 6 years ago I was confronted with a reality. What would happen if I continued on the path I was on? I started to miss my faith. I missed church and the music and I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of how I had treated my Mom and Gramps as well as friends in high school and college. I regretted so many missteps along my path. I missed the comfort that I remembered from church. There was a hurtle though.
I didn't think I could go back. I thought God would want nothing to do with me because of the mess I'd made of my life. I spent a lot of time over nearly 3 years thinking about it. Eventually, I would end up designing for a show in which I would watch, over and over, God and Human reconcile (the Human wanted to divorce God) with the Human asking God to stay because it was so scary out there without Him and God comforting her saying that he wasn't going anywhere.
A few months later, I would meet my husband and he would challenge me to pray for the first time in nearly a decade. Three years later, I barely recognize my life and not just from the outside. Inside, I feel like a different person.
Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)
But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:20-24 (ESV)
I was familiar with both of those passages before but I had not understood them. I understood the abstract but it never occurred to me that I would actually change through knowing and following Christ. I'm no longer the scared grandchild, searching for comfort in a place where comfort doesn't last. Instead, I try (I am still human, so I often fail) to find my comfort in the Lord. Some days are harder than others. Some days I miss Gramps so much and I know that I won't see him again and it hurts. Other days, I try to focus on how proud he would be of me and know that even if he didn't believe, he didn't criticize me for believing.
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