Being faced with death is hard, harder when it's someone close to you. It's very final. I believe for Gramps that it was even more final because he didn't believe in Christ. This was something that bothered me in high school, when I first came to faith, but I didn't know how to express it. I remember that week that I was out for the celebration of life, that I commented how even when I had gone overboard to the point of being annoying with my faith, Gramps didn't give me a hard time about it. Mom told me that he had said to her that I was searching for something and that I had at least found a positive outlet. Years later, I would learn that depression and eating wheat played a lot into my behaviours growing up.
A week before I felt guilty for being at a science fiction convention and not calling to wish Gramps a happy 4th. When I got out of a sing-along, I saw that I had missed a phone call from Mom. My first reaction was "Gramps is dead." I was wrong. She had called to wish me a happy 4th of July. It had always been Gramps' favourite holiday. When I got a phone call from my sister early in the morning, a week later, there was a pit in my stomach. I knew before I answered it, I knew what the news would be. I had even thought about calling Gramps the night before but decided to not do so.
I've had to struggle knowing that I had put off calling Gramps for one reason or another. There's been guilt for not calling him as often as I wanted to as well as for being generally very difficult. Gramps took over as a father figure in my life when I was very young. My father was still around until I was in middle school, but he was worthless. As I struggled with those issues, I also started to struggle with a bigger one. My fate.
Years earlier, I had wondered if you could start in faith with Christ and then go into a different direction, if you would still be saved. This was obviously me trying to justify my own actions and feelings at the time. I wanted to not die and be lost forever, but I was struggling with Christians. At the time, I didn't realize that I would have to change a lot in my journey of faith. My understanding back then was that you accepted Christ and just tried to not do bad things but that you were going to, which was okay because God still loved you. This is now, in my mind, the viewpoint of a 5 year old.
Now I know better, but 6 years ago I was confronted with a reality. What would happen if I continued on the path I was on? I started to miss my faith. I missed church and the music and I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of how I had treated my Mom and Gramps as well as friends in high school and college. I regretted so many missteps along my path. I missed the comfort that I remembered from church. There was a hurtle though.
I didn't think I could go back. I thought God would want nothing to do with me because of the mess I'd made of my life. I spent a lot of time over nearly 3 years thinking about it. Eventually, I would end up designing for a show in which I would watch, over and over, God and Human reconcile (the Human wanted to divorce God) with the Human asking God to stay because it was so scary out there without Him and God comforting her saying that he wasn't going anywhere.
A few months later, I would meet my husband and he would challenge me to pray for the first time in nearly a decade. Three years later, I barely recognize my life and not just from the outside. Inside, I feel like a different person.
Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)
But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:20-24 (ESV)
I was familiar with both of those passages before but I had not understood them. I understood the abstract but it never occurred to me that I would actually change through knowing and following Christ. I'm no longer the scared grandchild, searching for comfort in a place where comfort doesn't last. Instead, I try (I am still human, so I often fail) to find my comfort in the Lord. Some days are harder than others. Some days I miss Gramps so much and I know that I won't see him again and it hurts. Other days, I try to focus on how proud he would be of me and know that even if he didn't believe, he didn't criticize me for believing.
No comments:
Post a Comment